But... hopefully for the last time. If it doesn't get easier with Wordpress, I may have to come back here! I know how to edit html or anything else Blogspot throws at me, but I really don't like being "spoon-fed" my own blog. Oh well. If one of my favorite people is having trouble commenting here, then I need to move it to where she can. Mainly because I really need her to be able to comment.
Over and out here.
~ Rose Stitch
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Angry
I am not going to ask pardon, but I am forwarning you, my readers, that this is (obviously) not going to be a happy post. Nor is it going to be an entirely clean one. I'm angry, and for once, I'm going to show it. I may feel terrible about it later, but that's then. This is now. And I have to get this out sometime.
My wedding. My babies. Both gone. Both so unrecoverable. One never to be redone. Two not to be seen on this earth. Why? Isn't my life crappy enough? Haven't I had to put up with enough? Have I really been the rebellious creature my father accused me of being? Did I really need that punishment?
My wedding was horrible. The lack of music so carefully and meaningfully planned out. The maids of honor fighting because my original singular MOH couldn't accept the fact that she hadn't done her job as MOH, and my second one did. That's why I had a second one. Half of my invitations, the ones that I designed along with the programs, never got sent out. My father was late as always. No, I didn't figure we'd start on time. It's me. I'm never on time, and especially not when I'm trying really hard to be. But I didn't think it would be over 2 hours late! But no. He had to perfect my programs and my vows and make them better. Of course the programs weren't good enough. Nothing I've ever done was good enough. And I almost had people leaving my wedding because of that. They had other places to go and things to do. And of course the first MOH talking down to my dad made things worse. To top those things and everything else that went wrong that morning, the place hosting us (because no church would take us because we hadn't had premarital counseling) put the food that was supposed to be in the preparing room up in the wedding room. I gave specific instructions. How deaf can they be? And just as a bit of icing on the cake, no one would let me do anything but sit in my chair, having my picture taken, eating, and getting my hair and makeup done. Good thing my hair decided to be a little more wavy than it had been because no one found the curling iron that was in my bag until after the wedding. Great! My wonderful wedding day left me wondering what I had done to screw the heck out of everything. Why the heck did my wedding day, my special day, something I'd planned carefully and thoroughly, gone so horribly wrong?
Another question: why have I had two miscarriages? Damn it. Why! Am I going to be that horrible of a mother? Do I not have that kind of love ability in me? Would I do to them what my dad did to me? I've lost two children of my own flesh and blood. Most of the time I'm ok. Sometimes I'm unsteady, wobbling between ok and not ok. Other times I just want to lose it because it hurts so bad, so deeply. My children! I miss my babies. My first would have been about two months old now. My second would have been a Valentine's Day baby. Why can't I have my children? So many of my friends are getting married and having kids. But I've been married for over a year, and all I have to show is the pain I feel and the tissues in the trash from all my tears. I try not to say much about them unless it's part of an informative conversation simply because I don't want people to feel bad for me. I don't want their pity. But those of us who say little hurt as much as those who say more and vise versa. Shame on those who say otherwise. They do not know of that which they speak. I miss my babies. I love you both, my little ones. And I have only a cat with her babies to comfort me. I nearly crumpled in the store when my husband called to tell me not to worry about getting the kitten milk I was dashing for. One of my kitten babies was gone. I'm still not entirely sure how I managed to stop crying or anything else I did before I got home. I was so numb when I finally stopped crying.
My wedding. My babies. Both gone. Both so unrecoverable. One never to be redone. Two not to be seen on this earth. Why? Isn't my life crappy enough? Haven't I had to put up with enough? Have I really been the rebellious creature my father accused me of being? Did I really need that punishment?
My wedding was horrible. The lack of music so carefully and meaningfully planned out. The maids of honor fighting because my original singular MOH couldn't accept the fact that she hadn't done her job as MOH, and my second one did. That's why I had a second one. Half of my invitations, the ones that I designed along with the programs, never got sent out. My father was late as always. No, I didn't figure we'd start on time. It's me. I'm never on time, and especially not when I'm trying really hard to be. But I didn't think it would be over 2 hours late! But no. He had to perfect my programs and my vows and make them better. Of course the programs weren't good enough. Nothing I've ever done was good enough. And I almost had people leaving my wedding because of that. They had other places to go and things to do. And of course the first MOH talking down to my dad made things worse. To top those things and everything else that went wrong that morning, the place hosting us (because no church would take us because we hadn't had premarital counseling) put the food that was supposed to be in the preparing room up in the wedding room. I gave specific instructions. How deaf can they be? And just as a bit of icing on the cake, no one would let me do anything but sit in my chair, having my picture taken, eating, and getting my hair and makeup done. Good thing my hair decided to be a little more wavy than it had been because no one found the curling iron that was in my bag until after the wedding. Great! My wonderful wedding day left me wondering what I had done to screw the heck out of everything. Why the heck did my wedding day, my special day, something I'd planned carefully and thoroughly, gone so horribly wrong?
Another question: why have I had two miscarriages? Damn it. Why! Am I going to be that horrible of a mother? Do I not have that kind of love ability in me? Would I do to them what my dad did to me? I've lost two children of my own flesh and blood. Most of the time I'm ok. Sometimes I'm unsteady, wobbling between ok and not ok. Other times I just want to lose it because it hurts so bad, so deeply. My children! I miss my babies. My first would have been about two months old now. My second would have been a Valentine's Day baby. Why can't I have my children? So many of my friends are getting married and having kids. But I've been married for over a year, and all I have to show is the pain I feel and the tissues in the trash from all my tears. I try not to say much about them unless it's part of an informative conversation simply because I don't want people to feel bad for me. I don't want their pity. But those of us who say little hurt as much as those who say more and vise versa. Shame on those who say otherwise. They do not know of that which they speak. I miss my babies. I love you both, my little ones. And I have only a cat with her babies to comfort me. I nearly crumpled in the store when my husband called to tell me not to worry about getting the kitten milk I was dashing for. One of my kitten babies was gone. I'm still not entirely sure how I managed to stop crying or anything else I did before I got home. I was so numb when I finally stopped crying.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Back at It!
Well, I was hoping for a totally happy post this time, but it won't be, so bleh. Let's see...
List: Grandfather, Proverbs, Middle School, Brother's Wedding, Kittens. Maybe I haven't forgotten anything. Let's get at it, I guess.
Grandfather.
Found out for sure that my grandfather has cancer. It's in the beginning stages, so maybe they can do something about it. Not sure what though. Truth be told, I'm not sure how old he is. He and my grandmother have been married for well over 50 years now, if that gives any idea. I really want to cry because I love my grandfather dearly, dearly. I don't want to lose him. Not yet. To top that off, I'm pretty sure he's not a believer. Just by the way he talks. You can't work your way to Heaven, and he doesn't get it. In a way, I'm a little angry with God for letting this happen, even though I know that God may have let this happen to bring my grandfather to Himself. It just hurts. I'm very close to my grandfather. Always have been. And the idea that something bad ("bad"?) is happening to him hurts. I assure you I will cry at some point.
Proverbs.
Ugh. That wonderful, wise book pretty much everyone likes. But not me. Not anymore. That book has been just about murdered for me. I'll be glad when I can read it without getting mad at the people who ruined it for me. Obvious question: why don't I like Proverbs? Not entirely simple answer: every single time I've done something wrong in my life or someone *thinks* I've done wrong, I get slammed with Proverbs. "Go look at the strange woman!" (More times that I care to remember that was thrown at me.) "Look at what happens to the parents as a result of wrongdoing by the child!" (This one not so much but still.) I looked at my husband this afternoon when I was ranting about it and asked him, (more towards the strange woman thing) "Do they think I'm a whore?" Dead serious. How can it be good to concentrate on the negative version, even if it is to go the right way? They did the same thing to me in math. This plus that equals? If you can't figure that out, reverse the problem. What minus this equals? It never helped, and the only thing it ever did was make me more frustrated and angry. Same with Proverbs, the strange woman, and me. I've just gotten more frustrated and angry. And I don't enjoy a book God put in His Word for a reason! And I won't even go into the other statement thrown at me a lot. It ranks the same way. (Paradox on purpose - ranks.)
Middle School.
I have it up there in that list for a reason. Most of which is stated in the previous paragraph. But as a summary of the whole, let's just say middle school sucked badly. Maybe I'll go into that later on. There's too much to go through, and the only thing middle school ever did was leave me hurt, angry, and in detention, and sometimes worse.
Brother's Wedding.
There, at last, is a happier subject. My brother asked me to direct his wedding, and his now wife and I work very much the same way, so she left a lot of the work in my hands. And guess what! Between those of us handling everything, and she and I working so well together, their wedding came off beautifully! And I cried before and during the wedding. Kind of like a proud momma, watching her son grow up and be wise and very blessed. It was very helpful to see a wedding come together and be beautiful. I'm still trying to recover from my wedding being a total joke not including the fact that we actually got hitched. And understanding from their wedding that it wasn't my fault my wedding was so cruddy helped more than I imagined it could. I mean, it still hurts, and I think it may always hurt because I never got "my day", and what of it I got wasn't even very good. But it doesn't hurt quite as much. And it's refreshing to see another couple do right. Not that I begrudge those who did things "out of order". I was born way "out of order". What do I have against people who do that, especially if they deal with it with God and get it straightened out. Simply put: if you did it "in order", I love you; if you didn't, I still love you. :)
Kittens.
Finally! They came! We have five adorable kittens! And I'm not sure which to keep! I love cats, but we can't afford six cats living here, not to mention shots, de-worming, fixing, feeding, etc. I'm pretty sure I'll be keeping the lightest one though. She's almost a ginger color, but she reminds me of my brother and his bright red hair, when he had any. (Lol! Military...) Working on a name for her, but I think she looks like a Dani. Not quite sure why, but she could be named after three of my favorite people like that - Danny Kaye, a friend Dani who has helped me grow a LOT, and someone else very close to my heart. I have to tell you though, I had adrenaline rushing when I heard my cat squalling with the first contraction. And the crash from that dumped me all over the place. Eep! Oh well.
I've got plenty to do tomorrow. We need a lamp for one of the bedrooms so I don't freak out if I have to get up at night.
Do me a favor please, dear readers? We um... have a bit of a financial issue. Because I'm home alone a lot, we're supposed to be getting an alarm system in the house, but it's a lot of money, and the company we're going with doesn't finance. It's just straight up, here it is, pay now. Well... Trying to get hubby back to post in time for him NOT to be classified as AWOL, I was driving way more than the posted 65. Try 90. My brain confused me because what my gps said wasn't what my brain said, i.e., less time for more miles. And suddenly there are blue lights behind me. Joy. So I calmly (I think) explained what was going on and handed over my license and hubby's orders. I was given a break by the officer, but the ticket is still going to be hefty. And I don't know what to do. We can't do both really. And the taxes for the house just came in, to be paid by the end of the year. That's getting towards 2000 we have to pay out by the end of the year, and we don't even know when hubby is getting a discharge yet. And I'm scared. I've got my gun, but I don't want to have to use it. I will if I have to. My mind's made up on that. But I don't want to need to use it. And I'm home alone a lot. Burgler alarm? Need it. Speeding ticket? Have to pay it and before the court date if possible or no Thanksgiving vacation away from home. Property taxes? No choice. Just pray we have the faith and trust in God to keep going and pray He will show us the way to go. I've got a few ideas, but I'm not sure, and I want to be very careful what I do. Oh, and we own three people money, too, for helping us get by. Yeah. It's tight, and it's tough, mainly because the current paychecks divided out don't even include groceries.
So, off I go, hoping I can get to sleep before 2am this time. Night all!
~ Rose Stitch
2316 Wed, Oct 5, 2011
List: Grandfather, Proverbs, Middle School, Brother's Wedding, Kittens. Maybe I haven't forgotten anything. Let's get at it, I guess.
Grandfather.
Found out for sure that my grandfather has cancer. It's in the beginning stages, so maybe they can do something about it. Not sure what though. Truth be told, I'm not sure how old he is. He and my grandmother have been married for well over 50 years now, if that gives any idea. I really want to cry because I love my grandfather dearly, dearly. I don't want to lose him. Not yet. To top that off, I'm pretty sure he's not a believer. Just by the way he talks. You can't work your way to Heaven, and he doesn't get it. In a way, I'm a little angry with God for letting this happen, even though I know that God may have let this happen to bring my grandfather to Himself. It just hurts. I'm very close to my grandfather. Always have been. And the idea that something bad ("bad"?) is happening to him hurts. I assure you I will cry at some point.
Proverbs.
Ugh. That wonderful, wise book pretty much everyone likes. But not me. Not anymore. That book has been just about murdered for me. I'll be glad when I can read it without getting mad at the people who ruined it for me. Obvious question: why don't I like Proverbs? Not entirely simple answer: every single time I've done something wrong in my life or someone *thinks* I've done wrong, I get slammed with Proverbs. "Go look at the strange woman!" (More times that I care to remember that was thrown at me.) "Look at what happens to the parents as a result of wrongdoing by the child!" (This one not so much but still.) I looked at my husband this afternoon when I was ranting about it and asked him, (more towards the strange woman thing) "Do they think I'm a whore?" Dead serious. How can it be good to concentrate on the negative version, even if it is to go the right way? They did the same thing to me in math. This plus that equals? If you can't figure that out, reverse the problem. What minus this equals? It never helped, and the only thing it ever did was make me more frustrated and angry. Same with Proverbs, the strange woman, and me. I've just gotten more frustrated and angry. And I don't enjoy a book God put in His Word for a reason! And I won't even go into the other statement thrown at me a lot. It ranks the same way. (Paradox on purpose - ranks.)
Middle School.
I have it up there in that list for a reason. Most of which is stated in the previous paragraph. But as a summary of the whole, let's just say middle school sucked badly. Maybe I'll go into that later on. There's too much to go through, and the only thing middle school ever did was leave me hurt, angry, and in detention, and sometimes worse.
Brother's Wedding.
There, at last, is a happier subject. My brother asked me to direct his wedding, and his now wife and I work very much the same way, so she left a lot of the work in my hands. And guess what! Between those of us handling everything, and she and I working so well together, their wedding came off beautifully! And I cried before and during the wedding. Kind of like a proud momma, watching her son grow up and be wise and very blessed. It was very helpful to see a wedding come together and be beautiful. I'm still trying to recover from my wedding being a total joke not including the fact that we actually got hitched. And understanding from their wedding that it wasn't my fault my wedding was so cruddy helped more than I imagined it could. I mean, it still hurts, and I think it may always hurt because I never got "my day", and what of it I got wasn't even very good. But it doesn't hurt quite as much. And it's refreshing to see another couple do right. Not that I begrudge those who did things "out of order". I was born way "out of order". What do I have against people who do that, especially if they deal with it with God and get it straightened out. Simply put: if you did it "in order", I love you; if you didn't, I still love you. :)
Kittens.
Finally! They came! We have five adorable kittens! And I'm not sure which to keep! I love cats, but we can't afford six cats living here, not to mention shots, de-worming, fixing, feeding, etc. I'm pretty sure I'll be keeping the lightest one though. She's almost a ginger color, but she reminds me of my brother and his bright red hair, when he had any. (Lol! Military...) Working on a name for her, but I think she looks like a Dani. Not quite sure why, but she could be named after three of my favorite people like that - Danny Kaye, a friend Dani who has helped me grow a LOT, and someone else very close to my heart. I have to tell you though, I had adrenaline rushing when I heard my cat squalling with the first contraction. And the crash from that dumped me all over the place. Eep! Oh well.
I've got plenty to do tomorrow. We need a lamp for one of the bedrooms so I don't freak out if I have to get up at night.
Do me a favor please, dear readers? We um... have a bit of a financial issue. Because I'm home alone a lot, we're supposed to be getting an alarm system in the house, but it's a lot of money, and the company we're going with doesn't finance. It's just straight up, here it is, pay now. Well... Trying to get hubby back to post in time for him NOT to be classified as AWOL, I was driving way more than the posted 65. Try 90. My brain confused me because what my gps said wasn't what my brain said, i.e., less time for more miles. And suddenly there are blue lights behind me. Joy. So I calmly (I think) explained what was going on and handed over my license and hubby's orders. I was given a break by the officer, but the ticket is still going to be hefty. And I don't know what to do. We can't do both really. And the taxes for the house just came in, to be paid by the end of the year. That's getting towards 2000 we have to pay out by the end of the year, and we don't even know when hubby is getting a discharge yet. And I'm scared. I've got my gun, but I don't want to have to use it. I will if I have to. My mind's made up on that. But I don't want to need to use it. And I'm home alone a lot. Burgler alarm? Need it. Speeding ticket? Have to pay it and before the court date if possible or no Thanksgiving vacation away from home. Property taxes? No choice. Just pray we have the faith and trust in God to keep going and pray He will show us the way to go. I've got a few ideas, but I'm not sure, and I want to be very careful what I do. Oh, and we own three people money, too, for helping us get by. Yeah. It's tight, and it's tough, mainly because the current paychecks divided out don't even include groceries.
So, off I go, hoping I can get to sleep before 2am this time. Night all!
~ Rose Stitch
2316 Wed, Oct 5, 2011
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