I have often felt that I am alone in the world. I am married to the most wonderful man in the world. I have the smartest, most intelligent cat I've ever met. I have a good relationship with my mother. I have several friends though a lot of them have sort of fallen away since I got married. A lot of them are still there, but they only check in here and there. I have Facebook with all my "friends" there. I play my Facebook games and have friends come visit and help me. I have my fellow wives around me. We visit and enjoy our times together. I have my God Who loves me and always has. And yet, I am still alone.
I have a decent relationship with my father. I have very little relationship with most of my siblings other than the blood that runs through us. I have always felt that people watched me and laughed at me, made fun of me the second I was out of earshot. And sometimes they didn't wait for that.
Wearing the clothes I had to when I was younger, I often was laughed at. I looked like the freak from the wrong side of Pluto.
I've always tried to be the best of the best. But my best never got me anywhere. I got to college and it got me kicked out. My RA my first year hated me. I could have died, and I doubt she would have cared. She scared me so bad I had a panic attack the first time I saw her after she graduated and left the school. I wasn't right for a month. The child lives way away from me, and she still scares the life out of me. I was good friends with my dorm supervisor before I started college. But she was good friends with my RA and listened to what she said, so I had to give up on that. And when my clueless dorm counselor got in on the deal after a family issue was wrongly taken to school officials, everything slowly started crashing down around me. My last semester was total hell on earth minus a couple of friends and my favorite classes. And I got kicked out.
My attitude was right for a while, but then I became angry because I wanted to finish just one thing in my life. I didn't start college so I could watch my work pass me by. I started college to earn a degree and finish something. With everything I've ever done, I've left something undone. Everything. I just wanted to finish one thing. What was so wrong with that? Granted, I know God was working a lot of things out of that, but it still hurts. Like so many other men, my husband is being kicked out of the Army for various reason, and he is hurt and angry about it. And I can't blame him. He joined the Army to do something. To be something. And when you can't finish what you started, it does hurt. God designed humans to finish their tasks, and when we are unable to do that, it can really mess us up.
So with pain and pain and more pain on top of everything else, I feel alone. I'm scared of living. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of being wrong. I'm scared of being right. I'm so confused and afraid. I want to be successful. I want to take care of my family. But I'm afraid of being successful. And I've had two miscarriages. What family do I have to take care of? My husband is amazing. He can do practically whatever he wants to do and be fine. He does need me that much. I'm just a piece of flesh that has a soul. I sit and play games on the computer, trying to beat out everyone else because that's the only thing I feel like I'm successful at. That's the only thing I'm not afraid of. I bury myself in my games, trying to beat myself and everyone else, and my husband is jealous of the computer because I give it more time than I give him. I feel like a failure as a wife, a mother, a human, and a Christian. I feel alone. And until yesterday, I was. I still feel alone, but it's not quite as bad as it was.
There is so much more I could write, but I'm so overwhelmed right now that I can't write it all.
~ Rose Stitch
Originally Posted 1241 Fri, Sep 16, 2011
(hug)
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to be angry. One thing I'm very slowly learning is that emotions in and of themselves are not wrong, and we're not wrong for feeling them. Everything we feel is completely legitimate - but (I think we've talked about this before? maybe?) it's the not letting our emotions rule us. There's such a fine balance...when you've grown up being taught that emotions can be right and wrong and that they should be controlled, it can be devastating. But so can it be devastating if we lose ourselves to them. It's such a delicate balance.
I'm so, so sorry for your miscarriages. I can't imagine the anguish. I wish I really could just hug you right now and we could both cry it out a while.
My husband frequently gets jealous of my computer as well...between my social media lives, design projects, and my new-found blogging, he feels very left out at times. It's hard to explain to him that I'm just SO lonely, and my closest friends nowadays are people I've never even met and I can only talk to them through my computer. I try to alternate nights and weekends now - sometimes I'll be up all night writing and talking, and other times I'll check Facebook then put it away and cuddle with him while watching a movie.
Just know...you're not alone. You're not weak. You're not a bad person (quite the contrary). Right now is a huge transitional time for you (I'm starting to think that we're all going to be in a constant transition for the rest of our lives...eep). There's a lot to take in, to recover from physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally - there's so much to learn about who God really is and what He really thinks (I don't believe that BJU has the right view of God, personally). Cling to Him. Cling to your husband. Cling to your friends (I always have a free ear to listen and shoulder to cry on).
Know that you are deeply forever loved.
We have talked about the emotions being right/wrong before. :) And I very much agree. It's changing deep inside that which I have been taught for so long. That's gonna take a while.
ReplyDeleteWith the miscarriages... wow. Sometime when I can sit down and at least partially handle the emotions that come when I actually let myself think about them, I may write about them here. But for now, I keep them hidden or I will be a constant "water creature".
Ditto on the whole friend and computer thing. I've got three online selling businesses that keep me busy, the games to drown out the negative-ness, trying to keep up with my few really good friends and people I know are having problems, and now my newly-refound blogging. (I've had several blogs before, but I never felt like I could really express myself. Part of that was my surroundings at the time. They were most negative, so I couldn't write while I was in the middle of it. This works for me now because I'm safe and protected and fully loved. I can get things I've had problems with out and fall back into my wonderful husband.) I usually stay up late, like now, while he's sleeping and sleep later into the morning while he's on duty. It seems to work. Sort of.
Thanks. :) Honestly, until you befriended me, I was beginning to feel more alone than I'd ever felt. I don't really know why. I just did.
As for the transition, it's like school. You're always learning, so you're always changing. And as you change, the things around you change. (The example breaks down, but you see my point. I hope. :) )
And no, BJ says one thing, but what they do and how they do it or say things tells a different story. I begin to think even the one person I really looked up to doesn't have a completely right view of God. But I'm breaking away from a lot of what I was taught as a child and on through when I got married. It's not easy, and sometimes it confuses the heck out of me, but the more I learn, the less "happy" I can be without my God and my husband. It's kind of sad. The other day, my husband and I were talking about the missed Bible reading over the past couple of weeks to sickness and recovery. I remarked to him as the thought occurred to me: when I/we don't read, I get mean. I really think it's because I'm beginning to understand how much I need God. And in my own way, my heart and soul are showing me how little I am without Him. It's being an interesting learning peak.
:D