I was just thinking about the whole "you are what you are when no one else is around to watch you" thing. And I suddenly realized that for me it isn't true. I very much dislike being alone, so I go into my shell and hide. Sometimes very literally.
That got me thinking about something else. I've been told that line so many times in my life that I think that started to affect some of how I perceived myself. If what I was told is true, then in my mind, I'm a lazy, selfish, coward.
However. In my defense of myself, I am not lazy, even though BJ decided to make that one of my "charges" that got me kicked out. I am simply afraid of screwing something up and feeling like a heathen for it. ("Heathen" for me being a deep-down feeling that I have royally messed something up.) Also, yes, I can be selfish, and there have been times I've waited to be left alone just so I can do something totally selfish. But when I'm alone, I miss my people, in particular, my husband. I don't want to do anything without him, to the point of not eating or functioning. As to being a coward, I don't think a coward could have taken some of the things I've had to take. I don't think a coward could have someone who strongly dislikes him say he's not good enough, and he turns around and gives a broad smile with no anger or bitterness in it. Now the problem is actually getting that through my very thick, tough skull.
~ Rose Stitch
0519 Wed, Sep 21, 2011
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