I hate things that scare me. (Boy, isn't that a way to start a post?) One thing that terrifies me is the dark. If I can't see, I start going a bit irrational. The only way that isn't true is if I'm looking up at the stars and someone is right next to me. Another thing that scares me is the water. If possible, I'm more scared of water than I am of the dark, and you add those two things together... oh boy.... The main reason for my being so afraid of those things is that I cannot physically see what I'm stepping into. If I can't see it, it ain't gonna happen.
I'm kind of like that in my spiritual life, too. If I can't see where my next step is, I will quite literally stop dead in my tracks and sometimes run back the way I came. Maybe that's why I am able to write what I'm about to write.
I'm terrified, mortified, petrified of what will happen on this earth before the Messiah comes back. I believe in Pre-Trib (the Rapture before the Tribulation of the earth). I also believe that Christians will be persecuted harder than they ever have been in any time past. What all will that entail? Because I don't know who all reads my blogs, I won't go into any detail, but I do believe that God's people will be tortured and martyred. After all, the Messiah did say that no servant is greater than his master, so they will do to the servants what they did to the Master.
I cannot back these things up just yet (minus my first and last statements of my last paragraph) because I am just as afraid to really read Revelation as I am to even think of future events. God said that a lot of responsibility would come with reading that book, and I do not want to take that responsibility without being... well... responsible enough for it.
I guess the whole thing would not be as hard for me if it were not for the things I was told about the "end times". My husband has termed the person who taught me most of what I "know" about that time as "sadistic" due to the effect it has had on my very being. Since I was very young, I have had nightmares about what would happen in those days. From having dreams about these monsters burning my house down and throwing me in a bag alone forever to dreams where I'm worrying about the whole thing and wondering why I should even bother to live or have a family or plan anything for the future. This is my lifetime, unending nightmare.
I have a few home businesses. I am a good business-minded woman. I am a good people person. I am a good sales force. But when I even barely think or am spoken to about the whole deal, I very honestly and literally cannot function. Everything that keeps me going stops. I basically turn into a terrified, worried vegetable. I don't eat; I don't sleep; and I bury myself in my computer games and internet businesses and buying to try to hide from it.
I feel bad for my husband. He gives me so much all the time. He loves me so much. But when this lovely event happens, I can't respond to him the way I need to. I'm just a mask with a ghost behind it.
I am so tired of this whole crappy mess that happens inside of me. It shouldn't be this way. No person, especially no believer, should have to live with that kind of terrified fear. Why do I get stuck with it? Why can't I be happy that soon everything will be the way God intended it to be - perfect and beautiful? Why can't I even lay down some short-term plans and goals without being frightened out of my wits?
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On a more positive note, my cat is pregnant, and I just felt the kittens moving. And I'm trying not to cry.
~ Rose Stitch
1140 Wed, Sep 21, 2011
The level of your terror makes me side with your husband...whoever instilled such a fear in you was completely and utterly wrong to do so, either driven by the same fear themselves or driven by a sick power trip. To focus a child on such horror...ugh. It's abusive, whether abuse was intended or not. I'm learning that sometimes people who mean well don't actually do well. Or rather, people with the best intentions can still do the worst things.
ReplyDeleteIn a limited way, I understand your fear of reading Revelation...though for me, it's less of a fear and more of an uneasiness about reading the entire Bible. When I read, I hear the voices of every man I've ever heard preach. I hear condemnation, sexism, classism, racism, and hatred - even though I know that my God is none of those things. When I do read (which is less than I've always been told I ought to), I try to read out loud or even whisper to myself - so it's my voice I hear, not anyone else's.
There are beautiful things in Revelation. It is, after all, the Revelation of Jesus Christ. Maybe, when you are finally able to read it, try to see it from that angle. From that perspective. The entire Bible, for that matter...try to see Jesus alone. Huh. That could help me out a lot, too...I'm so used to reading it with the expectation that it will give me laws by which I am to govern my life...but really, it's supposed to be so that we can know Jesus more.
Like I said earlier, though...I understand your hesitancy and fear. It's okay, though I wish so much that I could do something to ease your fear.
In the meantime...you are in my heart and in my prayers. My heart ached when I read about your cat...you must be so full of mixed emotions. Have you ever read Camille Lewis's blog? She taught at BJU for a while (but don't let that sway you against her :) She has broken free). The address is http://www.drslewis.org/camille/ - her words are so full of grace and healing, and from my limited interaction with her I know her to be a kind, understanding, loving woman.