"Who Are You When I'm Not Looking?"

I was just thinking about the whole "you are what you are when no one else is around to watch you" thing.  And I suddenly realized that for me it isn't true.  I very much dislike being alone, so I go into my shell and hide.  Sometimes very literally.

That got me thinking about something else.  I've been told that line so many times in my life that I think that started to affect some of how I perceived myself.  If what I was told is true, then in my mind, I'm a lazy, selfish, coward.

However.  In my defense of myself, I am not lazy, even though BJ decided to make that one of my "charges" that got me kicked out.  I am simply afraid of screwing something up and feeling like a heathen for it. ("Heathen" for me being a deep-down feeling that I have royally messed something up.) Also, yes, I can be selfish, and there have been times I've waited to be left alone just so I can do something totally selfish.  But when I'm alone, I miss my people, in particular, my husband.  I don't want to do anything without him, to the point of not eating or functioning.  As to being a coward, I don't think a coward could have taken some of the things I've had to take.  I don't think a coward could have someone who strongly dislikes him say he's not good enough, and he turns around and gives a broad smile with no anger or bitterness in it.  Now the problem is actually getting that through my very thick, tough skull.

~ Rose Stitch
0519 Wed, Sep 21, 2011

Can You Believe It? I'm NOT Alone!

Oh my goodness!  I'm shocked!  I thought I was the only one who had to deal with that.  That desire to be great and marvelous all around and totally falling short on all but a few things.

When I'm doing better, I know I'm fantastic at English, great at Math that isn't geometry, horrible at writing an English essay/research paper because it's a totally different format than I write, good at singing (if I'm warmed up well), very organized when certain people aren't breathing down my neck about it because I don't organize the same way, good at household things like cleaning and ironing and folding clothes, not really great at cooking (mainly because when I was younger I had to cook, and it was always something boring and uninteresting), but I can make something taste good.  I can make jewelry and have lots of fun at it because it takes skill and precision.  I can also write well when I put my mind to it.  I've actually been told I'm a very emotional writer. (More on that later because the story of why I quit makes me mad still.) I'm not sure what else I'm good at.  Well... spelling mostly.  I don't know.

Maybe I'll do what a friend is doing and post on the positive things about me.  It might help.  And it'll keep readers from thinking I'm totally negative because I'm really not.  I've just been through a lot and am having a really hard time sorting through everything and moving on.

~ Rose Stitch
Originally Posted 1646 Fri, Sep 16, 2011